


Holding Together

by Angelwithwingsoffire



Series: Sterek One Shots [19]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape Recovery, rape mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:38:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1568105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwithwingsoffire/pseuds/Angelwithwingsoffire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek has never told what really happened with Kate and has never let it affect the way he is, but when a visiting pack's second makes an ignorant comment his walls break and Stiles goes after him to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Together

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from [here](http://officialteenwolfprompts.tumblr.com/post/84514842534/sterek-prompts-trigger-warning)

Stiles wasn’t really paying attention to the meeting taking place in the McCall house. As Scott’s best friend and unofficial second of the pack, Derek was the official one, he had to be there, but that didn’t mean he had to pay attention. Instead he was in the kitchen preparing the dinner that would follow the meeting. He had the local news station on in the background so he could keep up with what’s going on in the human part of their world and was whistling a bit as he worked.

He looked up as Derek and the other pack’s second came into the kitchen.

“What’s up?” Stiles asked Derek, smiling at him.

“They’re talking by themselves for a bit.”

Stiles rolled his eyes. “They better get done before dinner. I will hurt them both if this dinner grows cold.”

The other second was looking between them, a bit confused, but they ignored him in favor of a comfortable silence. Derek sat down at the island and held out his hands.

“Need anything?”

Stiles threw a bag of whole carrots at him, not saying a word.

Derek sighed as he caught the bag. “Bag?”

Stiles threw a garbage bag at him.

“Thanks.” Derek said, unbothered by the wordless actions. They’ve become more common when other packs are visiting as Stiles doesn’t like to talk to them or around them so no one takes them into offense. Derek pushed the bag open and turned away from the  island to hang it between his knees. He set the carrots on the counter next to him and grabbed one, snapped the leaves off, and threw them into the bag. He snapped one claw out and began peeling the carrot with practiced efficiency.

“You’re peeling carrots?” The other beta asked.

“Yes.” Derek answered, his voice amused. “I’m peeling carrots with my claw. Yes I am doing it because my boyfriend asked me to. Does this bother you?”

Stiles smirked at Derek’s bland words. It’s a good thing he talks more when others aren’t around or they’d think neither man really liked the other. But when strangers aren’t around…well they aren’t shy.

“A bit yea. It’s weird.”

Derek shrugged and kept peeling, watching the news at it came back on from commercial break.

“In San Fransico today there was a development in the Mrs. Johnson case. For those of you unfamiliar with it Mrs. Johnson was a teacher at a local high school in the area and has been arrested after having a six month long sexual relationship with one of her freshmen chemistry students. She has now been formally charged with assault, rape, and child abuse.”

“Well that’s stupid.” The other beta, Adam, declared, snorting. “She didn’t rape him.”

“What do you mean?” Stiles asked, looking annoyed.

“Well look at her!” Adam exclaimed, waving at the TV where a picture of her had just been. “She’s smoking hot! There’s no way that kid didn’t want it! Probably even begged her for it! People these days are so fucking stupid, don’t you think? Everyone’s so rape crazy these days. It’s like everything is rape these days unless you’re constantly asking them if they’re okay with what you’re doing and that’s so stupid. It kills the mood if you ask every five seconds if they’re enjoying it! Besides it’s not like guys can get raped in the first place.  Especially young guys like that. He should just be happy an older woman wanted him like that. And a gorgeous, experienced woman like that as well. He probably enjoyed every minute of it and now that they’ve been caught he’s going on and on about how he didn’t want any of it and she made him do it and that’s so fucking stupid. Who the hell is stupid enough to believe that? I mean seriously-”

Stiles stopped listening to Adam as he focused completely on Derek. Derek whose eyes were scrunched shut and Stiles could see the tendons in his jaw popping out as he clenched his teeth together. His fists were closed and Stiles could already see the blood dripping out of his hands into the bag still hanging between his knees. Every muscle in his body was tense and Stles could feel him trying to control his shift.

“Go.” He whispered.

It was like he cut a string the way Derek shot to his feet and fled the room.

Adam stopped mid-word in his rant to watch Derek run out and looked at Stiles. “What the hell is wrong with him?”

Stiles just looked back at him and spoke with normal volume in a cold voice. “Scott everything is ready and the roast must be taken out of the oven in exactly ten minutes. Any longer and it will burn and taste awful. You heard what just happened and now I’m leaving. I suggest they get done and leave before I come back tomorrow.” With that declaration Stiles turned on his heel and left the house, heading for his jeep. He climbed in, started it, backed out of the driveway, and headed for Derek’s loft. Hopefully Derek would still be sane enough to go there and not run for the forest. Stiles didn’t know what just happened, but he knew Derek needed him. So he was going to him.

Stiles pulled up to Derek’s building and hurried inside, going straight up to Derek’s floor and unlocking the door with the key Derek gave him. He went inside and immediately saw Derek. The wolf was on the floor in the middle of the loft, knelt down with his head bowed and he was shaking with stiffness. Stiles could feel the pain rolling off him. He immediately took a few hurried steps forward before Derek’s voice stopped him.

“Don’t.” Derek said. “Don’t come near me. I’m not safe.”

“And why not?” Stiles asked, taking a slow step forward.

“That man. That…monster. I don’t have control.”

Stiles took a deep breath and took another step forward. “You’ve never hurt me. Not seriously.”

“I’ve always had control.” Derek growled.

Stiles took another step. “And you do now. I trust you Derek. With my life.”

“You shouldn’t!” Derek shouted, his voice starting to sound more animal than human. “You shouldn’t trust me or care about me or want to be anywhere near me.”

Stiles shook his head, knowing Derek would hear it even if he couldn’t see it. “Derek I don’t care that you’re a wolf. You know that.”

“Not that.” Derek growled. “I’m seven years older than you Stiles. We _can’t_.”

“Is this about what he said?” Stiles asked, thinking that he was beginning to understand. “And the newscaster’s words? Because that doesn’t matter. Our ages don’t matter. I’m eighteen Derek. I can make this choice.”

“No.” Derek growled. “No.”

Stiles sighed, finally reaching Derek and laying a hand on his back. Derek flinched away and Stiles was slightly hurt but pressed forward, pressing his hand between Derek’s shoulder blades, where he knew his tattoo was.

“You being older than me does not matter to me.” Stiles whispered. “I just want to be with you.”

“NO!” Derek screamed, shooting to his feet and fleeing across the room, leaving Stiles feeling hurt and confused. “It’s not you.” Derek whispered as he stared at the wall, back still turned to Stiles.

“Then what is it?” Stiles asked, concerned for Derek. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Kate.” Derek spat.

“Argent?” Stiles asked. “What does she have to do with us?”

“You know what happened Stiles. You know I dated her.”

“I also know she was a psychotic bitch who used you and your innocence to kill your family. I know that what she did wasn’t her fault. She’s behind us Derek. She’s gone.”

“Except I’m just like her.” Derek said the words softly, his body falling as if strings were cut. His muscles relaxed and his shoulders slumped. There was no trace of the wolf left in his voice. “I’m exactly like her.”

Stiles’s mind whirred and all of a sudden he understood. He finally understood why Derek got so worked up when Adam was ranting about how an older woman couldn’t rape a teenage boy. How the boy must have enjoyed having an experienced woman interested in him. How he must’ve begged for it and then changed his mind when they got caught.

“She raped you.” Stiles whispered, shocked.

Derek flinched at the words but nodded, still facing the wall.

“Oh god Derek.” Stiles exhaled the words in a hurry before walking over quickly and putting his hand back on Derek’s back. “No Derek. No. You are not using me. Not ever. Do you think I’d allow you to use me?”

Derek gasped a  sort of laugh at that, leaning slightly back against Stiles’s hand.

“Everything we have done, I wanted.” Stiles said quietly, his voice filled with emotion. “Listen to my heartbeat and tell me if I’m lying when I say this. I love you Derek. We’ve only been going out a while but I love you. And I have wanted to take every single step that we have. You have done absolutely nothing against my will. Okay? Nothing.”

Derek nodded slightly and turned around, falling into Stiles and pressing his face into Stiles’s neck.

Stiles could feel the tears on Derek’s face on his skin but he just wrapped his arms around his wolf and held him tight. “It’s okay.” Stiles whispered, rubbing his back. “It’s okay Derek. Just let it out. I’m right here.”

Derek’s arms went around Stiles and held him tight as Derek silently cried into Stiles’s neck. When Derek finally pulled away, he went and sat on the bed.

Stiles sat down next to him and took Derek’s hand. “Do you want to talk?”

“No.” Derek said. “But I need to.”

Stiles nodded and leaned into Derek’s side. “Take as long as you need.”

Derek nodded back and then waited, taking deep, slow breaths to calm himself before speaking. “The first time was my idea.” He whispered the words so quietly Stiles could barely hear them. “It wasn’t as good as she promised but I was a teenage boy, anything could make me hard. It was fast and not painful but it wasn’t pleasant. I thought it strange. She said it was just because it was my first time. That all first times are weird. And I believed. So a week later we tried again but it was the same. I told her so and she just looked at me with those goddamn eyes and I stopped thinking it weird. She convinced me it was just because I was new to it. Time after time after time she just used my body for her pleasure. Now I know that I wasn’t getting pleasure because she wasn’t giving pleasure. She just wanted her pleasure and used me to get it. It got to the point that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to stop. Everything. I wanted our relationship to be over but when I told her that she just laughed. Called it nerves. And said that if I ever left her she’d tell everyone about us. About how I pushed myself onto her. How I hurt her. How I made her have sex with me. And that no one would believe me if I told because a man can’t get raped. And I thought it all to be true. So I gave in. I let her use me and I stopped fighting. I can still feel her hands on me. My shoulders, my hips, my sides, my legs. Everywhere. I can’t escape her. She made me do it again and again and every time it took more of my concentration to get hard. As soon as I saw her anything I had was gone. I kept my eyes closed and imagined it wasn’t her when she rode me. I pretended it was someone else’s hips under my hands. And even then it was difficult. I only knew that I had to keep her happy or she’d tell. Back then and even now I can’t tell anyone. After the fire I knew it was her fault. I _knew_ she was the reason they were gone and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling guilty. I let more and more people use me, trying to get her out of my head but she was like a scar covering my body. No matter who it was, it was always her. Laura tried to get me to tell her but I couldn’t. I’d heard all the same things my entire life. Men don’t get raped. Men always enjoy sex. A women can’t rape a man. Boys should be happy to get an older woman’s interest. I’d heard it all and I kept hearing it. I couldn’t escape it. Her words were like a broken record playing in my head. I couldn’t escape and I couldn’t get away. I still can’t get away.” Derek’s voice broke and he fell silent, staring down at Stiles’s hand in his.

“And now you’re afraid of doing the same to me.” Stiles whispered.

Derek gave a shaky nod.

“You shouldn’t worry.” Stiles said. He shifted off the bed and moved to kneel in front of Derek. “Derek look at me.”

Derek looked up at him with tears in his eyes.

“You are not hurting me. You are not raping me. You are doing what I ask you to. I told you day one that I wasn’t okay with you dominating me and you know what you haven’t done? Dominate me. You respected my wishes and we sat down with my dad right at the beginning and told him about us. You are not my secret and I will not treat you like one. When I told my dad that I was dating you, he got worried. Mostly because he’s arrested you before. But that night, after you left, do you know what he said to me?”

Derek shook his head, looking back at his hands.

“He told me that if I ever let go of you, he’d ground me for life. He saw your gentleness, your caring, your protectiveness, and your love for me after just one conversation. He told me that he couldn’t wait until he could call you ‘son’ and have it be true. He said that he was so happy that I’d found you. That he wasn’t worried at all because he knew that you would never hurt me. That you’d always keep me safe. And I know that to. Today when I walked in you said you’d lost control. But when I touched you, you didn’t attack me. Can you tell me why?”

“Because I’d rather die than hurt you.” Derek whispered. His voice was filled with tears and there were some falling from his eyes onto their clasped hands in his lap.

“Exactly.” Stiles said. “And that’s what makes you different from her. You don’t want to hurt me, or my family. You’re not psychotic, as much as I joke that you are. You are perfect and wonderful and amazing and completely different than Kate. You aren’t using me. I can see that. My dad can see that. Everyone else can see that. I want this as much as you and maybe even a little more. I understand that this will change us and that it will affect us but I expect you to tell me what you can and cannot handle, okay?”

Derek nodded. “I’m sorry about earlier. I can usually ignore the pain but Adam just kept on talking and I _couldn’t_.”

“Hey I get it.” Stiles whispered. “I still don’t like being tied up or restrained in any way because of what happened with the nogitsune. The lives we lead have changed us but we can handle that. Together.”

Derek looked up at Stiles, his face wet with tears, to meet Stiles’s own tear-filled eyes. He nodded and leaned forward to hug Stiles again quickly before pulling back. “I’m sorry I scared you and hurt you when I ran from your touch.” He whispered.

“I’m guessing something I said reminded you of her.”

Derek nodded. “You said something that I said to her when I was ‘convincing’ her to go out with me in the first place. That our ages didn’t matter. That I just wanted to be with her.”

Stiles nodded. “Alright. Then I won’t say that.”

“No!” Derek exclaimed before calming down. “I mean no I want to hear you say that. I need to. I want to rewrite those memories. Get rid of her and only have you in my head. Please.”

Stiles smiled and nodded. “Anything.” Stiles put his hands on Derek’s shoulders. “I’ll make you remember my hands here.” He moved them down to Derek’s sides, leaning in and smirking slightly. “And here.” He moved to Derek’s hips, smirk coming in full now as he leaned closer. “And here.” He moved down to Derek’s legs and was right in front of Derek’s face as he whispered, “And down here. Sound alright to you?”

Derek nodded and leaned in to catch Stiles’s lips in a gentle kiss. “Absolutely perfect.”

Stiles grinned and kissed him back. “See? We can totally do this. We can hold each other together.”

Derek nodded. “Together.”


End file.
